If Carlsberg did Data Governance

In this part of the world, we’re treated to wonderful TV ads from Carlsberg, with the theme “If Carlsberg did…, it would probably be the best…. in the world”. One of my favourites is “If Carlsberg did Haircuts”.

This led me to think, what if Carlsberg did Data Governance?
Picture the scene… Your CEO is looking for a new report, and she has tasked you with providing it, by close of business tomorrow! Where do you start?

In steps the “Data Waiter”, who presents you with a complete menu of the data in your organisation, suggests the data required for the new report and then prompts you with friendly questions like:

  • How would you like your data sliced?
    Would you like it by Geography, or Business line? Perhaps by Product, or by Customer Type?
  • What time period would you like your data to cover?
    For a light snack, I can recommend a “Point in Time” snapshot? Or perhaps you would like to include the past month? I can recommend the house special, which is a “Trend over time” for the past year.
  • How up to date would you like your data to be?
    The early-bird menu has some lovely data we captured 2 years ago. For a $10 supplement you can have data from 1 year ago. On the a la carte menu, you can choose from a wide range, from 6 months old to near-real-time.
  • How often would you like your data?
    Would you prefer a once-off or perhaps a weekly / monthly data extract? We do a lovely daily extract, or perhaps you would like real-time data-streaming?
  • What level of trust does your CEO need in the report you’re preparing?
    The early-bird menu has a fresh slice of big data. It’s a beautiful visualisation that looks really pretty – your CEO will love it. I’ve been assured that the data was so big that there’s no need to worry about the quality of it. (Editor note: Beware of Big Data Bullshit – Look up “Veracity” which is the critical, but often overlooked, 4th “V” of Big Data).
    If your CEO needs a higher level of trust in your report, we have a complete selection of data that we’ve traced from data entry to our own reporting data warehouse, complete with data quality metrics along the data supply chain.

Having selected the data you need, the data waiter scans your retina, confirms you have appropriate access authority, and then delivers the data to your preferred location. You prepare your report and your CEO is so delighted that she promotes you to the senior management team… Happy days! Scene ends.

What services would you like from “The best Data Governance in the world”?

For more about “Trust in data” see my blog post “The growing demand for food and data provenance“.

This article originally appeared on LinkedIn Pulse

Socrates “beginning of wisdom” meets “fork handles” British humour

Socrates, the ancient Greek philosopher, tells us that “The beginning of wisdom is the definition of terms”. Perhaps Socrates was the first “Data Steward“, since the first step in data stewardship is also the definition of terms. I’m sure you’ve often seen instances of the confusion caused when the same term is used to describe different things. What does the term “Monthly Sales” mean? Is it the value or the volume of sales? It is impossible to tell. However, it is easy to clarify by adding a simple qualifier:

  1. Monthly Sales Value
  2. Monthly Sales Volume

For a light-hearted look at the confusion that “unqualified” terms can bring, watch the British humour sketch below from “The Two Ronnies” – called “Fork Handles”. See if you can keep a straight face!